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How Comparison Steals Your Joy

By Pete Cafarchio, ACC.

compare mirrorPhoto by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash

I was reflecting about how I tend to despise my natural limitations instead of accepting them, and this graphic representation came to mind.  I hope you can gain some personal insights from it.

How it works

When I accurately see myself the way I am, with a realistic view of my strengths and limitations, I can have self-respect and a healthy appreciation for myself.

The problem comes when I get fixated on a fantasy version of who I think I should be.  In that version, my strengths are exaggerated, and my weaknesses are ignored or hidden.  It’s unrealistic, but I’m more attracted to that version.  And then when I see my Real Self in comparison to my Fantasy Self, I wind up disliking myself because I don’t measure up.  The result is deep-seated unhappiness with my core identity.

Entire industries spend multiple billions of dollars each year to convince you that you don’t yet measure up to the Fantasy Self.  They don’t mind damaging your self-esteem just so you’ll buy their products to improve yourself.  Pretty sick, huh?

Social media makes it even worse by broadcasting images that only show our best moments and hide our real struggles.

And if you’re a high-achiever, you might be naturally prone to setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and others.

What can you do?

One plan of attack is to identify the sources that contribute to your Fantasy Self.  A short list might include: entertainment, advertisements, past messages from your family of origin, condescending friends, certain corporate cultures, and your social media feed.

Ask yourself if these influencers are making you feel better or worse about your Real Self, and then manage or eliminate them. It’s not easy because we’re barraged every day, but a few key choices can make a big difference.

The second approach is to get a good understanding of who you really are – self-awareness.  Do the work using the Strengths Alignment, a coach, and feedback from friends and coworkers to get an accurate view of your strengths and limitations.  And then learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.

What’s interesting is that the better you know your Real Self, the easier it becomes to see (and reject) your Fantasy Self.

I’ve heard it said that when currency experts are trained to identify counterfeit money, they don’t study the infinite ways the money can be imitated. Instead, they study the unique characteristics (paper type, colors, inks, images, etc.) of legitimate currency. Then if they see that one aspect is altered, they know the bill in question isn’t authentic.

The same principle applies here.  Get to know the real, legitimate you, and it becomes easier to spot the voices trying to make you into a phony.

How about you? What’s one comparison you can eliminate to increase your joy level?

Pete Cafarchio, ACC, is a WeAlign Executive Coach and partner.  

WHO ARE YOU?…I REALLY WANNA KNOW…

Who are you?… 

This is a huge universal question, and made, also,  for some pretty good lyrics by Peter Townshend of The Who. I clearly remember the day when my 10 year old brain first encountered this great query. My teacher, Miss Franklin, wrote three simple words on the blackboard that began a four decade journey for me:

Who Am I?

These three words linked together make it one of the most challenging, complex, even intimidating questions of all time. It forces us to go beyond the surface and plunge into the depth of our soul. It leads us to our identity.

Many of us, unfortunately, don’t like who we are, but worse, many of us don’t even have a clue of who we are. We are beaten down by an unforgiving world which is inhabited by people who tend to exploit weaknesses and criticize strengths. As a result, many of us have become zombie-like—half dead, half alive, aimlessly wandering around, looking to devour another’s flesh…and identity. OK, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but you know where I am going.   

The good news is that we can become fully alive again. We can find our design, fit, purpose…and flourish. In future blogs, we’ll look at three factors to help us find or rediscover our identity (not unlike a paleontologist gently brushing the dirt off of buried bones. Together we’ll gently brush off fabrications in order to reveal the talents and traits that are true):

  • Affirmation leads to our identity
  • Rest clarifies our identity
  • Joy and appreciation creates our identity

So let’s get into our special chair and relax & dream and just “be”. With WeAlign (aligning design with destiny), your wonderful journey is about to begin!

Dave Mead

StrengthsFinder Executive Life Coach